Yesterday I spent part of my Valentines Day seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with some friends.
I also spent time with my husband afterwards. I promise.
My impression of Fifty Shades? Awkward feelings, sideways glances at the people around you, and extreme feelings of boredom and inadequacy. Let me expound:
My husband wouldn't have been convinced to go see Fifty Shades of Grey if I'd offered him $10,000. Well, maybe he would have sat through it for that but you couldn't convince him to like it. And maybe he has the right idea.
Like many of my fellow women will tell you, I read the book because everyone else was reading it. But no, I didn't finish the series. Much like the Twilight novels that these books are loosely based on, I couldn't get past the second book.
And in case you didn't know, yes, Fifty Shades of Grey started as a Twilight fan fiction:
“I had to write — started writing, wrote a novel, then I discovered fan fiction,” the author continued. “[I] wrote about Edward and Bella and then decided to write about Christian and Anastasia. I took the fan [fiction], and a friend of mine re-wrote it and I thought — if he could do it, so could I, and now I am here.”
So, I had low expectations of the books and those low expectations carried over to the film. This is one of those movies that was created solely to make money. And it made some crazy money this weekend.
The erotic R-rated drama sizzled in its debut, earning an estimated $81.7 million from 3,646 theaters in its first three days, distributor Universal Pictures said on Sunday.- 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Whips Up Record-Breaking Weekend Box Office Debut
So, if you judge it based solely on whether or not it achieved it's purpose of arousing curiosity (and some women) and making lots of money, I guess this is an A-plus film. But luckily, there are lots of other things to judge it by.
This movie (and the book) has stirred up a lot of controversy. Though I'd like to address the controversy, I think it would take years for me to write about it all. So I'm going to stick with my impression of it.
I spent the majority of the movie feeling awkward in a room full of strangers (not to mention sitting next to a guy acquaintance who I'm not very close with) watching what was basically soft core porn. My first worry was about who else was in the theater with us. It wasn't policed very much. In fact, I've been to other - much more vanilla - movies where they check tickets at the door every time you go in. Even if you leave in the middle to go to the bathroom. But at this particular movie, where they would want to keep kids out, there was no one checking tickets.
I remember a time when we were younger and we'd buy tickets to PG-13 or PG movies and then just sneak into the R rated ones. Or we'd go to one movie in the afternoon and sneak into another in the evening. It wasn't hard in the late 90s-early 2000s to sneak into a movie once you got past the ticket taker. So I spent the first part of the movie wondering if there were any kids watching this with me.
My second worry came when I realized that the first thing I had seen when I walked into the theater may not have been as innocent as I thought. I can be naive sometimes and I think, upon entering, I had one of those moments. I must clarify that we were in one of those really nice theaters with the leather recliners. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was a couple who had brought a blanket with them. And they were all snuggled up together. At the time I thought it was a cute idea, as I'm always wishing I could cuddle with my hubby during movies rather than sitting straight backed in a chair next to him. But, after the first steamy scene I thought, "I don't think they're just cuddling". Then I wondered how many other couples there were "cuddling".
After having those nerve wracking and somewhat nauseating thoughts run through my head, I found it hard to focus on the movie at all. Like any other curious human being, my interest would pique during the steamier scenes and I would get bored and lose focus during the dialogue/character building/generally boring scenes. So, when my attention was on the movie, one or both parties were naked. Like, fully naked. Now, there's rules about what you can and can't show in an R-rated movie. But you got to see about 95% of both of them. They didn't leave much to the imagination.
So, because I didn't have to use my imagination at all, I spent the movie wishing I looked like her. Wishing I was that skinny and flexible and sexy looking. Because I'm not and most average human beings aren't. It's safe to say I walked out of there without much confidence.
So, my final decision: This is one of those movies that should have never been a movie. It started as a book and it should have stayed that way. The thing with fan fiction (and I know this from experience... yep, I wrote it) is it's usually written by someone who is putting themselves in the place of one of the characters. It's therefore meant to be read as you putting yourself into a character's place. This book was written exactly that way. As a woman, you're supposed to put yourself in Ana's shoes and experience the book as though you are her. It's near impossible to do that when you're watching a film and it ruins 99.9% of the experience of the story. And makes the film more of just something to shock people. I remember thinking a couple of times, "Can they show that?!"
A little end note here. The reason I found that I couldn't finish the books and detested the movie was that I couldn't put myself in Ana's shoes. I think, as a rational person, if a very handsome man came up to me and demanded that I conform to his very strict rules or not have a relationship at all I would say one thing to him...
Because no one should ever use a relationship as bribery to force you to do something you're not sure you're comfortable with. So, as far as I'm concerned, Christian Grey can take his contract and shove it up his... yeah...
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